BABY SAFETY FOR BABIES

As written by: a baby

CRIB

This is a large rectangle bed with barred sides. The grown-ups will put you here when they’d like you to sleep. It has been suspected for quite some time that they place you here when they themselves would like to sleep. The see-through slatted design is to keep you safe from falling out of bed while giving the illusion of freedom, but. You are not free.

Escape from the crib is very difficult, almost impossible. This is due to our lack of motor skills required to physically climb, combined with the diligent removal of all useful escape materials by the grownups. Blankets for tying rope, books for making stairs, stuffed animals to help cheer us on, you name it, they take it all away. The crib sides are securely fastened and checked for errors every night, so picking the lock is out of the question. And you can forget about being stealthy in the dark due to the high end security camera they keep called a “Baby Monitor.” This is used to watch you from any room in the house. 

Escape Method: Call out to the grownups, loudly and without cease. They will soon tire of your persistence and will come to remove you from the crib. This works almost 100% of the time, day or night.

GATES

This is another rectangular obstacle with barred sides. Gates are typically placed in front of the towering stair mountains that go up or down. The stair mountains are mysteriously dangerous and must be explored at all costs, but it is no use. The grownups will not let you traverse them alone and thus a gate is employed. Gates are also used to block entrances without any stairs behind them. In my experience I have seen gates placed between the living room and the kitchen where all the fun, shiny, “No No Sharp” treasure lies. Shaking the gate will not open it. Trying to fit through the slats is impossible. There does not seem to be a secret password but research is ongoing. 

Escape Method: Express to the grownups your desire to go over the gate, loudly and without cease. They will soon tire of your persistence and carry you over the gate with them. This works almost 100% percent of the time.

CAR SEAT

The car seat is the bane of our baby prisons. It is a sloped bucket with an indestructible harness inside. The grown ups securely buckle you in one of these when they need to leave the house. Aside from the horrible buckles that keep you from escaping, you are also placed facing backwards for the entirety of the ride. Why this occurs is unknown and certainly adds to our justified contempt. They will try to trick you into believing it is enjoyable (it is not) with the use of baby mirrors or soft toys that dangle from the car seat handle. They will try singing songs or radio music. This is all just added torture. Unfortunately, no amount of wailing or begging or lamenting will get the grown up to let you out of the car seat to roam free. 

Escape Method: None. You might be granted a temporary escape if your diaper is about to explode, but again, it is only a temporary freedom. You will be buckled right back in for the remainder of the ride. This is 100% non negotiable.

STROLLER

A stroller is similar to a car seat but much more relaxing. It is like a tiny crib with wheels. The grown ups use this to safely take you on walks or to an outside park. The buckles inside are nowhere near the chafe level that a car seat has, and it is quite nice to look up at the sky. But sometimes the sky gets a little boring and you’d like to get out and see other stuff.

Escape Method: Call out to the grownups, loudly and without cease. They will remove you from the stroller quickly, faster so in the presence of other grown ups. They will then carry you on their hip while pushing the empty stroller around. This is very enjoyable and works 100% of the time. 

HIGH CHAIR

This is an enjoyable seat prison where the grown ups give you food. They place you in the seat and a big tray is slid in front of your tummy. This is to keep you safe from falling out and also to catch falling food so you can smear it back and forth in a wildly artistic manner. The grownups let you taste all sorts of food to see what you like, and then they will try to give you the food that you do not like. Because the tray securely holds you, other methods of escape are necessary. 

Escape Method: Politely push the food to the edge of the tray and away from you while holding steady eye contact with the grown up. If they laugh and call you “so silly” yet still continue to try and give said food, go flash them your biggest smile while you slowly raise your arms as if you’re about to cup their face with your spaghetti stained hands. This sweet escape is an effective way to get them to take you out of the high chair, almost 100% of the time.